Varxiety

Getting back to the “variety” issue.

Having choices is nice, theoretically. But it scares the crap out of me. Honestly, when I am heavily restricting, I don’t spend all that much time thinking about food, because the way I see it, it’s off-limits to me. What’s the point in pining after things I can’t have? It’s when I am eating that it really starts to suck, because I am, like I said, horribly indecisive. I can never make up my mind — do I want X? Y? Z? Usually I just take a blind stab in the dark and wind up with whatever, but I am always terrified that I am going to lose control and decide that I just want everything, and since I’m emetophobic, what goes in me stays in me. This equals a very fat person very fast. And even though that hasn’t happened yet, I live in fear of the day that it does, because it seems inevitable.

It’s kind of a catch twenty-two, really. I despise being told what to do … I think it’s insulting to my admittedly questionable intelligence! Yet at the same time, I wish someone would just make these decisions for me, so that I don’t have to stress over them. The truth of the matter is, I hate thinking about food. I am sick of it. I am sick of thinking about it, looking at it, eating it… and the only way I’ve ever known how to stop that is to just stop eating it! Which I guess hasn’t really worked very well. So the status quo is that I am feeling all but bombarded by options and possibilities, because once I have “permission” to eat, all hell breaks loose in that way. (Hello, anxiety!)

Speaking of anxiety… I’m a big believer in the whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing. However. A lack thereof can certainly cause a whole slew of problems — anxiety being at the forefront! I’m already struggling with the concept of having to pay for graduate school (a private graduate school, not a state school) completely out of pocket, plus the fact that I’m soon going to run out of my allotted yearly therapy visits and have to pay for that completely out of pocket as well. Then today I get a letter from Human Resources… my insurance premiums are going up. Honestly, at these prices, I really think it would be cheaper for me to just not have any insurance at all, since I pay them, but they don’t pay for most of the services I need!! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate focusing on money, it makes me feel like a greedy, miserly wretch, but when you don’t have money, it’s very difficult to not think about it.

Enough of that. I should be grateful that I have a job and a roof over my head.

My trip to Mexico is still all up in the air. Personally, if it were up to me, I’d just go. My dive instructor said the same thing. But as my sister so tactfully put it, it’s one thing if I get sick / drop dead; they all have little kids who are more susceptible if I bring something back. Nice. So, yeah. If I can get my money back, then I’ll go somewhere else. I really wish this could all be resolved!! I was actually discussing this whole issue with my therapist, and apparently there is something wrong with the “fear center” in my brain… I don’t fear things that a normal person would. Going into a war zone? Yeah, whatever. Fly into the heart of a pandemic? Bring it on! It’s like I feel some sort of need to put myself in risky situations. Except that I don’t necessarily view them as risky, wherein lies the problem, I guess.

I was planning on stopping by Macy’s (the dreaded Macy’s!!) after work tomorrow … it’s a lingerie (err, long ;)) story!! But I don’t think I’ll get a chance to go after all, because my mom is still not 100%, so I have a lot of things to do before Shabbos… most of which I didn’t have time for last week, so they really need to get done this week. And is it just me, or can men be total pigs?! Gah. I also have a paper due on Monday, and I didn’t even start writing it yet, because I’ve been so busy doing laundry and running to supermarkets and cleaning out the refrigerator and other such exciting ventures… and naturally the subway would choose today to cause my commute to double in length. Please, please, please, I would love a fare hike — along with a decrease in service hours! Yes!! (Sorry, I’m a naturally sarcastic person!)

Anyway. I remember reading once that if you freeze and thaw tofu, it has a chewier, more meatlike consistency. So I decided to try it. But by the time I got home, I was so frazzled and irritated about my commute that I couldn’t devote as much attention to it as I should have been, so it probably didn’t work out as it should have! I stupidly left it in the refrigerator to defrost, so I had to finish defrosting it in the microwave, and then some of it was steaming hot and some were still frozen, so cutting it was fun… yeah. I cubed it and put it under the broiler, but for some reason they didn’t crisp up much. Probably because it wasn’t there long enough! Oh, well. Next time! But here it is, along with my other love: Steamfresh!

And I just have to share this, because as I remember, it’s really yummy. I haven’t made it in a very long time, and I don’t remember ever eating it warm, so I can’t say how it would taste fresh out of the oven! But I had a couple of ripening bananas, so I used one to make banana baked oatmeal.

It displeases me very much that I post so many photos of food, when the truth is that I take a crazy amount of pictures of a huge assortment of things!! So just because, here’s a random photo. I took it on a “nature hike” in Zhitomer.
zhitomer teva

…and my dad just informed me that the second balloon molly is dead. I can’t deal with this anymore… Microcosm / macrocosm!!

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7 responses to “Varxiety

  1. Sorry about your fish!!!! What the hell?

    I can’t believe you were in Israel just a month ago, was it for vacation? Awesome! I hope you get to take your trip to Mexico soon, stupid swine flu!

  2. burpandslurp

    I understand the frustration you feel towards the obsession of food, yet not being able to enjoy it. It’s a strange position to be in, and very awkward and frustrating. All I can say is, you’ve got to bite the bullet and swing yourself over the fence to the positive side. you have to take charge of your own body, and make ACTIVE decisions for yourself. at first it’s so uncomfortable and hard, but it gets easier. face those fear foods continuously and repeatedly, and the fears and anxieties ebbs away when you find out that you didn’t turn into a blimp overnight. For me, what really helped was eating out with friends. It doesn’t need to be every day, once a week wll do, but take that as a training ground. Find someone who can create a fun, relaxed atmosphere for you, and try different things on the menu. I promise you’ll have fun, and your mindset may just start to change…
    good luck! And I do hope you get to go to Mexico and have tons of fun!

  3. itsawrapteacher

    Most trips to Mexico have been canceled due this stupid swine flu. Boo… but love your baked banana oatmeal!

  4. lilveggiepatch

    That baked oatmeal looks like heaven in a bowl! I’ll have to try that ASAP.

  5. I love banana baked oatmeal! I can relate a lot to obsessing about what to eat- when I am restricting heavily, so many things are just “off limits” that I don’t need to think about it much. It’s much harder when there are just so many choices (and so much anxiety about making the ‘wrong’ choice). Try to step back a bit and rationalise that in the grand scheme of things, one food choice isn’t going to have any major impact (unless you have a lethal allergy 😛 )

  6. CDC,

    Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry about your fish. I had three fish in grade school. They each had a proper funeral… lol.

    The oatmeal looks awesome. Great idea!

    With Love,

    emily

  7. Oh dear, sorry about the fish! Pet shop fish suck like that 😦 I’m sorry about your trip too – fabulous timing there!
    I am emetophobic too, it’s a pain in the ass on so many levels. Mind you, it has it’s uses too – it’s stopped me from becoming bulimic and overdosing. There’s a silver lining to everything, eh?!

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