Getting back to the “variety” issue.
Having choices is nice, theoretically. But it scares the crap out of me. Honestly, when I am heavily restricting, I don’t spend all that much time thinking about food, because the way I see it, it’s off-limits to me. What’s the point in pining after things I can’t have? It’s when I am eating that it really starts to suck, because I am, like I said, horribly indecisive. I can never make up my mind — do I want X? Y? Z? Usually I just take a blind stab in the dark and wind up with whatever, but I am always terrified that I am going to lose control and decide that I just want everything, and since I’m emetophobic, what goes in me stays in me. This equals a very fat person very fast. And even though that hasn’t happened yet, I live in fear of the day that it does, because it seems inevitable.
It’s kind of a catch twenty-two, really. I despise being told what to do … I think it’s insulting to my admittedly questionable intelligence! Yet at the same time, I wish someone would just make these decisions for me, so that I don’t have to stress over them. The truth of the matter is, I hate thinking about food. I am sick of it. I am sick of thinking about it, looking at it, eating it… and the only way I’ve ever known how to stop that is to just stop eating it! Which I guess hasn’t really worked very well. So the status quo is that I am feeling all but bombarded by options and possibilities, because once I have “permission” to eat, all hell breaks loose in that way. (Hello, anxiety!)
Speaking of anxiety… I’m a big believer in the whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing. However. A lack thereof can certainly cause a whole slew of problems — anxiety being at the forefront! I’m already struggling with the concept of having to pay for graduate school (a private graduate school, not a state school) completely out of pocket, plus the fact that I’m soon going to run out of my allotted yearly therapy visits and have to pay for that completely out of pocket as well. Then today I get a letter from Human Resources… my insurance premiums are going up. Honestly, at these prices, I really think it would be cheaper for me to just not have any insurance at all, since I pay them, but they don’t pay for most of the services I need!! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate focusing on money, it makes me feel like a greedy, miserly wretch, but when you don’t have money, it’s very difficult to not think about it.
Enough of that. I should be grateful that I have a job and a roof over my head.
My trip to Mexico is still all up in the air. Personally, if it were up to me, I’d just go. My dive instructor said the same thing. But as my sister so tactfully put it, it’s one thing if I get sick / drop dead; they all have little kids who are more susceptible if I bring something back. Nice. So, yeah. If I can get my money back, then I’ll go somewhere else. I really wish this could all be resolved!! I was actually discussing this whole issue with my therapist, and apparently there is something wrong with the “fear center” in my brain… I don’t fear things that a normal person would. Going into a war zone? Yeah, whatever. Fly into the heart of a pandemic? Bring it on! It’s like I feel some sort of need to put myself in risky situations. Except that I don’t necessarily view them as risky, wherein lies the problem, I guess.
I was planning on stopping by Macy’s (the dreaded Macy’s!!) after work tomorrow … it’s a lingerie (err, long ;)) story!! But I don’t think I’ll get a chance to go after all, because my mom is still not 100%, so I have a lot of things to do before Shabbos… most of which I didn’t have time for last week, so they really need to get done this week. And is it just me, or can men be total pigs?! Gah. I also have a paper due on Monday, and I didn’t even start writing it yet, because I’ve been so busy doing laundry and running to supermarkets and cleaning out the refrigerator and other such exciting ventures… and naturally the subway would choose today to cause my commute to double in length. Please, please, please, I would love a fare hike — along with a decrease in service hours! Yes!! (Sorry, I’m a naturally sarcastic person!)
Anyway. I remember reading once that if you freeze and thaw tofu, it has a chewier, more meatlike consistency. So I decided to try it. But by the time I got home, I was so frazzled and irritated about my commute that I couldn’t devote as much attention to it as I should have been, so it probably didn’t work out as it should have! I stupidly left it in the refrigerator to defrost, so I had to finish defrosting it in the microwave, and then some of it was steaming hot and some were still frozen, so cutting it was fun… yeah. I cubed it and put it under the broiler, but for some reason they didn’t crisp up much. Probably because it wasn’t there long enough! Oh, well. Next time! But here it is, along with my other love: Steamfresh!
And I just have to share this, because as I remember, it’s really yummy. I haven’t made it in a very long time, and I don’t remember ever eating it warm, so I can’t say how it would taste fresh out of the oven! But I had a couple of ripening bananas, so I used one to make banana baked oatmeal.
It displeases me very much that I post so many photos of food, when the truth is that I take a crazy amount of pictures of a huge assortment of things!! So just because, here’s a random photo. I took it on a “nature hike” in Zhitomer.
…and my dad just informed me that the second balloon molly is dead. I can’t deal with this anymore… Microcosm / macrocosm!!