Thanks for all the supportive comments on my last post… is it completely pathetic of me to say I found them touching? … Oh, well, too bad. I did.
My “best friend” in high school once told me something along the lines of, “Nobody wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time.” (Yeah, I know, with friends like that…) It isn’t like I was ever extremely emotionally expressive, but ever since then I’ve made sure to put a damper on it whenever I am feeling down, because I certainly don’t need any additional help when it comes to giving people reasons not to want to be around me! That said, I do apologize for being such a downer lately. Every time I try to “think positive,” it just means that I’ve gotten up to be knocked back down again, and I’m really beginning to strongly believe that it just makes more sense for me to stay down already. (Hence the title of this post.)
Some of the extreme anxiety I was feeling yesterday, I think, was work-related. I feel horribly guilty for letting job stress get to me like that, because I know I should feel grateful that I even have a job in this economy. It shouldn’t really matter whether I’m falling over myself with joy about that job and all its aspects.
Along those lines, I technically have so many things I’ve always wanted… I went back to school (even though now paying for it will be a massive struggle), I was published, I have a steady (if insufficient!) source of income… so why am I still not “happy” with my life? Does this mean that any time I set something as a goal, achieving it will be a let-down?
Because of all that, I’m forever trying to find some sort of reason for life. Not the grand scheme of things, not the “purpose of existence” or anything like that. Just some little thing, however stupid / silly, to which I can look forward. That’s part of why I take as many vacations as I do, even though I’m not exactly a millionaire here! But right now, that isn’t working either, because it may or may not be ripped out from under me, with a substantial financial loss as an added bonus.
So much of my time is spent in tense anticipation of the moment when “the other shoe will drop.” That probably also contributes to the anxiety. How am I ever supposed to enjoy anything, if I’m terrified that just doing that means it will be taken away from me?
This is me bucking convention and putting chopped bananas instead of sliced into cereal. I don’t normally put bananas in cereal (due to a weird banana fear)… but I think someone ought to tell General Mills that Banana Nut Cheerios really needs to have some freeze-dried bananas in there. You can hardly taste any banana at all, it just tastes like regular Cheerios with a bit of added sweetness!!
So it’s meant for kids. Sue me.
I was supposed to be meeting my friend for lunch today, but she was home sick. I went anyway. I am feeling rather conflicted about that. After all this time, you’d think my crazy mind would stop hopping and yelping its indignance every time I eat when I have the opportunity to easily get away with not doing it, since that happens all the time, but nooooo.
My dad offered to drive me to the pool tonight, which is nice of him; I was going to walk, and it’s probably twenty minutes longer that way. I called ahead to find out if it’s open, and the person who answered the phone thought I was crazy… “Why wouldn’t it be open?” Err, you tell me — why wasn’t it open last week?! How quickly we forget.
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold