Runaway

“Sometimes I lie awake at night and think, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.'”
~Charles M. Schultz

That quote has nothing to do with anything, really. It just struck me because it happens to me a lot… I try to figure out how I got so screwed up and I just can’t even begin to deal with it, because it seems so… insurmountable.

Some days, I just feel like facing the world requires far too much effort. Today is one of those days. The maintenance guy came into my office to change the trash bag, and since I didn’t bubble over with effusive greetings (totally not me, even in the best of circumstances!), he said, “I guess I’m not welcome here.” He creeps me out in general, actually, but that’s another story entirely.

I call them “Bubble Days.” That’s what it seems like… I’m lost in my little cocoon and everyone else is out on the other side, doing heaven-knows-what. Even if I want to be outside my bubble, or want human interaction, the second I find myself among other people I am immensely irritated and just can’t wait to get away… what would I say, anyhow?!

Really, it isn’t other people I’m trying to escape. I want to get away from me. That’s impossible, because wherever you go, there you are. I hate that. Especially on days like today, when I want to jump out of my skin so badly I could scream.

And, on that note:

“The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”
~Mark Twain

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6 responses to “Runaway

  1. Love both the quotes- and both so true.

    I definitely feel like that a lot too- that there is some huge wall between me and everyone else and I honestly have no idea how they function/what they DO with themselves. I’ve been told a lot that you need to be your own best friend- a thought I can’t seem to grasp, but I guess it makes a valid point. You can’t escape yourself (as I have tested out on numerous occasions by fleeing countries countless times!)- you have to somehow find a way to be okay with the you that you are. For what it’s worth, I think you are pretty awesome 🙂

    (And creepy maintenance guy was right too- creepy guys are NEVER welcome!)

  2. Argh, I relate to this as well. I do find that this happens less the longer I stick with my meal plan, but it’s happened due to depression rather than the eating disorder in the past too. I wish I could give some useful advice, but other than accepting that you can’t escape yourself, I don’t think there’s much to do except choose whether to sit with it, distract yourself or challenge it. Magic wand would be preferable 😛 darn!
    I agree about the maintenance man, he does sound creepy. Be as irritable with him as you want!

  3. Argh, I relate to this as well. I do find that this happens less the longer I stick with my meal plan, but it’s happened due to depression rather than the eating disorder in the past too. I wish I could give some useful advice, but other than accepting that you can’t escape yourself, I don’t think there’s much to do except choose whether to sit with it, distract yourself or challenge it. Magic wand would be preferable 😛 darn!
    I agree about the maintenance man, he does sound creepy. Be as irritable with him as you want!

  4. הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט

    Yup, I’m also an unforgiving recluse.

    I had similar notions to yours in regards to what you mentioned, and in regards to travel as well (sometimes I kind of travel to “escape myself”); no matter where you go you’re always going to take yourself with you! ..and that’s where escapism comes in, ..either way you’re going to wake up to the same person though (onviously).

    ..nice blog by the way..

  5. i can totally relate to how you are feelin girl.. but u know what? its during the very time we want to ‘jump out of ourselves’ that we need to be the most IN ourselves. does this make sense? this feeling will pass– wishing you the best. xoxox

  6. Ilove both those quotes, but especially the Mark Twain one. I think “bubble days” is a very accurate description…I hope you feel better tomorrow and more at ease with yourself.

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