Amalgam

My Amazon order arrived yesterday…

The amount of “scary” foods I am accumulating is getting to be sort of incredible.

Yesterday we moved everything downstairs from the kitchen to the basement so that we can start preparing the upstairs kitchen for Pesach. This is what I’ve dubbed my Cereal Box:
Ya think I have enough cereal?!

My nutritionist’s scale is sort of moody. She says that she keeps meaning to get a digital scale, but she hasn’t yet. (I’m glad — I hate those digital scales that have readouts to the zillionth decimal point. I obsess enough without added help!) Anyway, when I first got on it, the die wasn’t completely in the notch, which made it look like I had lost a lot… it actually worked out to my benefit that that happened, because it made her calmer about the real number. But now I have an “assignment” … I have to go shopping for food for Pesach. Which is upsetting enough in itself, because I’m the only one in my family who is going to be using manufactured goods… and while my parents will maintain that I can do this because I am “sick,” I can’t help but sense the inherent disappointment and disapproval. And finding food that I would actually eat is difficult enough during the year, but on Pesach?! Forget about it, it’s a totally impossible task. Especially since I can’t have soy.

Katie wrote a couple of days ago about feeling “desensitized” to being at a low weight… I think I feel the same way. That, compounded with a healthy amount of denial (in which I am an expert), makes it very difficult for me to be as concerned as I probably should be. I am very thankful that I’m not suffering any massive health problems, don’t get me wrong! But that also just makes it easier for me to “laugh it off” when my nutritionist tells me that I have to gain weight for my health, since for all intents and purposes, my health is just fine.

The tipping point here is usually the period. “Don’t you want to have kids?!” Well. Provided that I do, it generally involves another individual. Since I really don’t believe that any such individual will ever appear in my life, it sort of becomes a non-issue.

Speaking of this non-existent individual, I realized last night that what I would really like in my life is someone who cares about me by choice. This excludes family, since they “have” to care (or claim to); and professionals, since they’re paid for it. The saddest part of all is that a lot of the time I feel like the paid professionals care / “get it” more than my family does! Which is sort of pathetic, really, that I have to pay people to give a damn. (I have to say that my mom loves pointing this out to me… that my therapist doesn’t care about me, she cares about my money. I don’t know why she loves to make me feel like crap when I already do a fine job of it on my own.)

Backtracking to Whole Foods… I am having to buy a bunch of things now for after Pesach, but the one I was in this morning didn’t have everything I was looking for. I did buy a key lime pie Larabar, which is probably going to be added to my abovementioned scary collection. I noticed these while I was waiting in the checkout line:

I hate coffee. I really wish I didn’t, because sometimes I just need a caffeine jolt! I figured these are worth a shot (no pun intended!)… even though they’re probably, um, really bad for you.

I was intending to buy Nana’s cookie bars. But even though they did have it, I didn’t wind up buying it… solely because it has the word “cookie” in it. Excluding the time I spent in the hospital (which to me doesn’t count as a part of my life), I haven’t had a cookie in years. I know it’s ridiculous, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to have one now. It makes me wonder if I’m running some sort of perverse contest with myself: How long can you go without eating XYZ? Oh, you can’t have that, you haven’t had it in five years, you’d be breaking your streak if you did. Because in the grand scheme of things, it makes a huge difference. (Yes, I am generally a very sarcastic person, sorry about that!)

Re: the title of this post… how many different ways can I come up with to describe random disjointedness?!

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
~Andy Warhol
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4 responses to “Amalgam

  1. Ooh, I got a mention 🙂 I relate to the way you’re thinking about weight gain…last time I was at a low weight I didn’t have any serious health problems either, other than the lack of period. It was actually health problems that had led to the weight loss, and since it was a digestive thing they got a little better while I wasn’t eating much, so it felt almost like anorexia was making me better rather than ill. However, you have to remember that eating disorders cause disability cumulatively. During this latest relapse I’ve been really unwell – I started suffering at a higher weight than last time and by the time I had reached the lowest point I was a complete wreck. You can only get away without doing damage for so long. Then there’s the question of osteoporosis – even after only ten months without a period I had developed osteopenia in my spine, and another eight months have passed since then. I don’t care whether I have kids or not but I definitely don’t want to have to live with osteoporosis for the next fifty years.
    I am a great fan of Nana’s cookies – they sell the wheat/gluten free ones in a health food shop near me and I just love them. Because they are vegan, gluten free and sweetened with fruit juice it’s pretty easy to convince myself that they are entirely good for me 😛
    I hope the rest of your day went ok 🙂

  2. "Speaking of this non-existent individual, I realized last night that what I would really like in my life is someone who cares about me by choice. This excludes family, since they "have" to care (or claim to); and professionals, since they're paid for it… "

    Ummm AMEN! Sometimes I get really resentful towards my therapist and dietitian because I just want to say "you only care because you're PAID to" which I know is pretty unfair. I guess it's just a blow to our self-esteem to not have other people in our lives who appreciate and love us of their own free will. But I do believe that neither of us will be lonely forever, friendship is a two way street and unless we're open and READY to be vulnerable and connect with other people outside of treatment and family then friendships and romantic baby-makin relationships can't happen. Um I really can't believe that your mom said that about your therapist! It sounds like she has a bucket of issues herself, and maybe SHE could benefit from seeing a therapist! Haha but honestly, don't let it get to you. Keep doing what you're doing and don't let her mistrust hinder your recovery. You may be paying people to help you now but it's only to give you a jumpstart so that you can help yourself and surround yourself with people who love and care about you later on (sooner than you think!) I hope you work up the courage to grab a Nana's cookie next time! ❤

  3. "Speaking of this non-existent individual, I realized last night that what I would really like in my life is someone who cares about me by choice. This excludes family, since they "have" to care (or claim to); and professionals, since they're paid for it… "

    Ummm AMEN! Sometimes I get really resentful towards my therapist and dietitian because I just want to say "you only care because you're PAID to" which I know is pretty unfair. I guess it's just a blow to our self-esteem to not have other people in our lives who appreciate and love us of their own free will. But I do believe that neither of us will be lonely forever, friendship is a two way street and unless we're open and READY to be vulnerable and connect with other people outside of treatment and family then friendships and romantic baby-makin relationships can't happen. Um I really can't believe that your mom said that about your therapist! It sounds like she has a bucket of issues herself, and maybe SHE could benefit from seeing a therapist! Haha but honestly, don't let it get to you. Keep doing what you're doing and don't let her mistrust hinder your recovery. You may be paying people to help you now but it's only to give you a jumpstart so that you can help yourself and surround yourself with people who love and care about you later on (sooner than you think!) I hope you work up the courage to grab a Nana's cookie next time! ❤

  4. don’t give up yet! nothng is impossible unless your MIND says it is. challenge your mindset.
    btw, I don’t want my period at all, because it’s uncomfortable and I don’t even want babies anyway. BUT I WANT my period…because having a period is the first sign of you being healthy. a period is not only about making babies, it’s about you being a HEALTHY woman with womanly functions, and also without your period you cannot absorb calcium…so you suffer from bone loss and stuff. I know, it sucks. It seems like no matter what we’re doomed to need our damn periods.

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