Monthly Archives: April 2009

Varxiety

Getting back to the “variety” issue.

Having choices is nice, theoretically. But it scares the crap out of me. Honestly, when I am heavily restricting, I don’t spend all that much time thinking about food, because the way I see it, it’s off-limits to me. What’s the point in pining after things I can’t have? It’s when I am eating that it really starts to suck, because I am, like I said, horribly indecisive. I can never make up my mind — do I want X? Y? Z? Usually I just take a blind stab in the dark and wind up with whatever, but I am always terrified that I am going to lose control and decide that I just want everything, and since I’m emetophobic, what goes in me stays in me. This equals a very fat person very fast. And even though that hasn’t happened yet, I live in fear of the day that it does, because it seems inevitable.

It’s kind of a catch twenty-two, really. I despise being told what to do … I think it’s insulting to my admittedly questionable intelligence! Yet at the same time, I wish someone would just make these decisions for me, so that I don’t have to stress over them. The truth of the matter is, I hate thinking about food. I am sick of it. I am sick of thinking about it, looking at it, eating it… and the only way I’ve ever known how to stop that is to just stop eating it! Which I guess hasn’t really worked very well. So the status quo is that I am feeling all but bombarded by options and possibilities, because once I have “permission” to eat, all hell breaks loose in that way. (Hello, anxiety!)

Speaking of anxiety… I’m a big believer in the whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing. However. A lack thereof can certainly cause a whole slew of problems — anxiety being at the forefront! I’m already struggling with the concept of having to pay for graduate school (a private graduate school, not a state school) completely out of pocket, plus the fact that I’m soon going to run out of my allotted yearly therapy visits and have to pay for that completely out of pocket as well. Then today I get a letter from Human Resources… my insurance premiums are going up. Honestly, at these prices, I really think it would be cheaper for me to just not have any insurance at all, since I pay them, but they don’t pay for most of the services I need!! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate focusing on money, it makes me feel like a greedy, miserly wretch, but when you don’t have money, it’s very difficult to not think about it.

Enough of that. I should be grateful that I have a job and a roof over my head.

My trip to Mexico is still all up in the air. Personally, if it were up to me, I’d just go. My dive instructor said the same thing. But as my sister so tactfully put it, it’s one thing if I get sick / drop dead; they all have little kids who are more susceptible if I bring something back. Nice. So, yeah. If I can get my money back, then I’ll go somewhere else. I really wish this could all be resolved!! I was actually discussing this whole issue with my therapist, and apparently there is something wrong with the “fear center” in my brain… I don’t fear things that a normal person would. Going into a war zone? Yeah, whatever. Fly into the heart of a pandemic? Bring it on! It’s like I feel some sort of need to put myself in risky situations. Except that I don’t necessarily view them as risky, wherein lies the problem, I guess.

I was planning on stopping by Macy’s (the dreaded Macy’s!!) after work tomorrow … it’s a lingerie (err, long ;)) story!! But I don’t think I’ll get a chance to go after all, because my mom is still not 100%, so I have a lot of things to do before Shabbos… most of which I didn’t have time for last week, so they really need to get done this week. And is it just me, or can men be total pigs?! Gah. I also have a paper due on Monday, and I didn’t even start writing it yet, because I’ve been so busy doing laundry and running to supermarkets and cleaning out the refrigerator and other such exciting ventures… and naturally the subway would choose today to cause my commute to double in length. Please, please, please, I would love a fare hike — along with a decrease in service hours! Yes!! (Sorry, I’m a naturally sarcastic person!)

Anyway. I remember reading once that if you freeze and thaw tofu, it has a chewier, more meatlike consistency. So I decided to try it. But by the time I got home, I was so frazzled and irritated about my commute that I couldn’t devote as much attention to it as I should have been, so it probably didn’t work out as it should have! I stupidly left it in the refrigerator to defrost, so I had to finish defrosting it in the microwave, and then some of it was steaming hot and some were still frozen, so cutting it was fun… yeah. I cubed it and put it under the broiler, but for some reason they didn’t crisp up much. Probably because it wasn’t there long enough! Oh, well. Next time! But here it is, along with my other love: Steamfresh!

And I just have to share this, because as I remember, it’s really yummy. I haven’t made it in a very long time, and I don’t remember ever eating it warm, so I can’t say how it would taste fresh out of the oven! But I had a couple of ripening bananas, so I used one to make banana baked oatmeal.

It displeases me very much that I post so many photos of food, when the truth is that I take a crazy amount of pictures of a huge assortment of things!! So just because, here’s a random photo. I took it on a “nature hike” in Zhitomer.
zhitomer teva

…and my dad just informed me that the second balloon molly is dead. I can’t deal with this anymore… Microcosm / macrocosm!!

Nothing

There isn’t really anything I can say right now. Actually, scratch that; that isn’t entirely true. I just can’t verbalize any of it. Ironically, the louder my mind gets, the quieter I get… because it becomes too overwhelmingly impossible to even decide what to say first. I’m a horrible decision-maker! (That’s why variety is a major problem, but I’ll leave that for another day. My sleep deficit just keeps growing, and I think I ought to try and get acquainted with this thing they call “sleep.”)

Bar of the Day:


…and I was totally way overcharged for this alteration, but anyway. I got this skirt when I was in Israel, and I finally had a chance to take it to get it shortened, because, well, it was a crazy length.
Photobucket

Photobucket

Oh, before I go… tomorrow is the second annual Poem In Your Pocket Day. I have far too many favorites to choose just one to share, so this is a blind pick.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

— Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

~Elizabeth Bishop, “One Art”

What is your favorite poem?

Round 91754635343216542164

Thanks for all the supportive comments on my last post… is it completely pathetic of me to say I found them touching? … Oh, well, too bad. I did.

My “best friend” in high school once told me something along the lines of, “Nobody wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time.” (Yeah, I know, with friends like that…) It isn’t like I was ever extremely emotionally expressive, but ever since then I’ve made sure to put a damper on it whenever I am feeling down, because I certainly don’t need any additional help when it comes to giving people reasons not to want to be around me! That said, I do apologize for being such a downer lately. Every time I try to “think positive,” it just means that I’ve gotten up to be knocked back down again, and I’m really beginning to strongly believe that it just makes more sense for me to stay down already. (Hence the title of this post.)

Some of the extreme anxiety I was feeling yesterday, I think, was work-related. I feel horribly guilty for letting job stress get to me like that, because I know I should feel grateful that I even have a job in this economy. It shouldn’t really matter whether I’m falling over myself with joy about that job and all its aspects.

Along those lines, I technically have so many things I’ve always wanted… I went back to school (even though now paying for it will be a massive struggle), I was published, I have a steady (if insufficient!) source of income… so why am I still not “happy” with my life? Does this mean that any time I set something as a goal, achieving it will be a let-down?

Because of all that, I’m forever trying to find some sort of reason for life. Not the grand scheme of things, not the “purpose of existence” or anything like that. Just some little thing, however stupid / silly, to which I can look forward. That’s part of why I take as many vacations as I do, even though I’m not exactly a millionaire here! But right now, that isn’t working either, because it may or may not be ripped out from under me, with a substantial financial loss as an added bonus.

So much of my time is spent in tense anticipation of the moment when “the other shoe will drop.” That probably also contributes to the anxiety. How am I ever supposed to enjoy anything, if I’m terrified that just doing that means it will be taken away from me?

This is me bucking convention and putting chopped bananas instead of sliced into cereal. I don’t normally put bananas in cereal (due to a weird banana fear)… but I think someone ought to tell General Mills that Banana Nut Cheerios really needs to have some freeze-dried bananas in there. You can hardly taste any banana at all, it just tastes like regular Cheerios with a bit of added sweetness!!

Bar of the Day:

So it’s meant for kids. Sue me.

I was supposed to be meeting my friend for lunch today, but she was home sick. I went anyway. I am feeling rather conflicted about that. After all this time, you’d think my crazy mind would stop hopping and yelping its indignance every time I eat when I have the opportunity to easily get away with not doing it, since that happens all the time, but nooooo.

My dad offered to drive me to the pool tonight, which is nice of him; I was going to walk, and it’s probably twenty minutes longer that way. I called ahead to find out if it’s open, and the person who answered the phone thought I was crazy… “Why wouldn’t it be open?” Err, you tell me — why wasn’t it open last week?! How quickly we forget.

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

~Rascal Flatts

So Sad

I’ve been experiencing a constant level of low-grade anxiety all day. It’s almost to the point where I wish I could just have one full-blown panic attack and get it all over with. (I say “almost,” because I’m pretty sure that if I ever had had one like that, I would absolutely not want a repeat performance.) By the same token, I hate generalized anxiety, because I can’t pinpoint a particular time or event and say, “When that happens / passes, this feeling will go away.” I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I just know that I’m all gloom and doom and sad, almost weepy really… if I could cry, I would probably be doing that nonstop, so I suppose in that respect it’s a good thing that I can’t.

In this state, even knowing that tomorrow is another day doesn’t really do much but serve to make me feel even more depressed, because how many “better tomorrows” can one anticipate before finally giving up?

Every morning I wake up and head straight into the shower thinking that maybe, just maybe, today will be a day where I won’t feel like jumping right back into the shower the second I have a chance to do it. You know how girls are supposed to be all “sugar and spice and everything nice”? I think I’m more of the “salty and mucky and everything yucky” type. I guess logically I know that I’m not ugly in the strictest definition of the word; I’m just “average.” I’m average everything, and in some ways that’s worse. Because I look average, but I don’t feel even remotely “normal.” (And what is “normal” if not “average,” after all?) The reason why I’m always wanting to jump into the shower is because it’s only for the immediate moments after it that I don’t feel like I have, well, repellent seeping out of my pores. Okay, this is making me sound completely and totally crazy, so I am just going to stop trying to explain the inexplicable now!!

Bar of the Day:

I always said that it was a “good” thing (in terms of convention, anyway) that I can’t wear pants, because otherwise I would never bother to get dressed and just go out in my pajamas. Yet I seem to find ways around even that. Look what I wore today.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we? …

Oh, dear.

Actually, I never intended for it to be sleepwear. But there is something about wearing “sleepwear” to work / school that makes me sleepy, I guess. By the end of the day I couldn’t keep my eyes open. If it hadn’t been so frigid in the building, I probably would have fallen asleep at my desk! Why oh why oh why does everyone think that they need to crank up air coniditioning to subarctic levels?! Brrrrrr!

I think I have a bit of a compulsive purchase problem. I really do buy too much jewelry, and a lot of times it seems to happen when I feel sad / depressed / mad / anxious / insert any “negative” emotion here. So, naturally, as I passed by a store that was having a sale, and I was feeling all “off,” I bought jewelry. Much to my dismay, I later realized that one of them is missing a stone. I don’t know how that happened, because I always check for things like that when I buy jewelry. I must be more out of it than I realize.




Coming home is starting to be associated in my mind with bad news. I turned on the light in my aquarium, and one of the mollies was dead and half-devoured. Nice. Then my mom informed me that the CDC put out a travel advisory for Mexico. It sounds really awful of me to say this, because people are sick / dying, and I guess it’s just really self-centered of me to be upset about it. But if it had to happen, it would happen when I’m supposed to go… what am I supposed to do now?!

It isn’t helping that I feel like a waterlogged lug… I’m drinking insane amounts of water as per the urologist’s instructions, which is making me feel like crap because I just feel bloated!!

Okay, it really can’t be true that there are only bad / negative things happening to me. I must be really really blind not to be able to see anything else.

Watch This!

Apparently, Macy’s no longer changes watch batteries. (Actually, they do — the big Macy’s. Which is exactly what I was trying to avoid!) So I wandered out into the mall in my disconsolate state and found a Kay’s Jewelers. I paid an astronomical amount of money for something as simple as changing a watch battery, but while I was waiting, I picked out my next watch. It is a Citizen Eco-Drive, so that I don’t have to deal with the headache of changing batteries!

But that’s a distant dream, because I hope this one lasts a while!!!

I have my watch back… yay!!!!

Today is an absolutely gorgeous day. Hot and sunny, just the way I like it. I walked to the gym this morning (okay, I always do that, but just last week I was wearing boots, gloves and a down coat, and today I didn’t even need a jacket) … and it was just so lovely out that I was practically giddy about it.

Is that a blue sky?!

I suppose in the spirit of the season, I have just painted my nails. Green. It looks kind of crazy, but that’s suitable, I guess!

Oh, and I went to the pet shop. I got two balloon mollies. (Excuse the bad picture!)

I had a red molly once, from Petco. It died almost immediately and I took it back. Evidently, it had come from a brackish tank. Which, if you ask me, is a fact they ought to have thought of mentioning! But it’s all good, I got a lovely shark instead.

I’ve been a bad blogger … I have lots of reading to catch up on! (Who knew that doing laundry for four people could be so laborious?!) But even though it is still absolutely gorgeous out, I am going to try to buckle down and be a disciplined little student and get some schoolwork done. Which sort of feels futile, since I was only so determined to keep up my grades because I didn’t want to lose my “academic scholarship,” which apparently has nothing to do with academics at all.

Enjoy what’s left of your weekend!

What I Need?…

Because we had a sort of family reunion here last night, with all of my siblings coming over to see how my mom was doing, I didn’t get to start my book… and by midnight I could barely keep my eyes open! It still took me about an hour longer to get to bed, but I only read the prologue. So I got to read like a fiend all day today, and I actually did finish it. (If you’re planning on reading this book at some point, be warned: possible spoiler alert ahead!) There was a character in the book who was bulimic and a cutter, and it was actually pretty neatly defined how she came to be that way. It was startling, a bit, because I wasn’t necessarily expecting to come across that, but it was also a little infuriating because it was so “neat.” Like, I do this behavior because that happened. And I really really really really wish I could say that about myself, but I just can’t.

The one thing that really pissed me off about this Shabbos is the chauvinism… my dad and my brother basically expecting me to do every.damn.thing. because I’m female and that’s just the way things work. Sort of the way I had to stay up late on Thursday to put three loads through the washer, because even though my brother was home all day, my mom never asked him to do it. I guess it’s partly a generational thing, but still, it never ceases to annoy me. People… we no longer live in the seventeenth century!!

Going back to this sibling visit. My sister was apparently miffed that I made my own soup. And so I was subjected to a speech about how I am selfish because I don’t care about other people’s feelings. While I won’t deny that I am a pretty selfish person, I fail to see what a pot of soup has to do with any of this. Of course, this segued into the whole “We are your family / we care about you more than you do / etc. etc. etc.” I’m not saying they don’t, but how am I supposed to let them know that as much as they might want to, or might think they want to, they just can’t give me what I need? Even if I’m not sure what that is? So instead I just have to keep saying, “I am not having this conversation.” (“You don’t have to have a conversation, you just have to listen!”)

This morning I woke up at 6.00 with a horrible sore throat, which obviously didn’t make me very happy! On to the panacea that is ibuprofen, so I trooped downstairs to get some, and fed my fish on the way. (Their weekly treat… they got freeze-dried worms instead of flakes. Extra protein! Woot!) Since I keep yapping on about them, here’s some visual stimulation…




One of them is sick, as it turns out. One of the silver dollars (the third photo — I know it looks like a mirror image, but we have two of them) has a fungal infection. Sad. What else is sad: remember those three fish I got, one of which vanished and the second of which died? Yeah, the third one vanished now, too. How weird!!!

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to have to go to the pet shop. Not Petco, because I decided I really don’t like that place. I go there all the time because it’s conveniently located, but the fish I buy there always seem to be unhealthy, and they don’t have half the products I need. Very irritating. But I guess I can buy some more fish now, since we’re three down.

I also have to go to Macy’s, as much as it peeves me, because that’s where I bought my watch… hopefully they can replace the battery for me. If not, I will have to buy a new watch, and I don’t really want to do that. First of all, I am not exactly rolling in money here, and second of all, I still like my watch!! I’m extremely picky when it comes to watches, so buying a new one is always a hassle.

Hello, Weekend

It’s been a long time since I got a new fact in a Snapple cap! “Real Fact” #68: The longest one-syllable word is “screeched.” Somehow, I don’t quite think that’s true… anyway, that was random.

Yesterday my therapist said that I need to just make the decision that I am going to recover “no matter what it takes.” (This was following some sort of comment she made about how it “won’t make you fat.” But I took the next sentence to mean that even if it does…) I told her that I probably decide that a hundred times a day. The thought is there, the intention is there, I just falter when it comes to following through, and I’m not really so sure why. Thinking about it gets so depressing, too, because I just feel like such a failure for still being so stuck at this spot after so long.

She also, randomly, said that she wanted me to consider meds. I’ve tried them before. They did not work for me — actually, it was a total disaster which basically landed me IP, so excuse me for not being so keen on the notion of trying them again! I just found it really odd that she brought this up now, because there have been times where I genuinely would have been perfectly satisfied with jumping off a bridge, and I’m not exactly at that space right now. I guess it’s just so ingrained in me to “act as if” that it isn’t obvious? I don’t know.

I’m not a Sally Sunshine. I never have been, and I never will be. I’m too much of a realist for that. It kind of pisses me off, actually, that the idea of medication is brought up because I’m not cheerful enough. Especially when I basically just had the week from hell. I tried to look at it positively, in a bunch of creative ways… including It has to get better because it can’t possibly get any worse! None of it really worked, though. I’m holding out a thin line of hope that next week will be better, but you know what? I am tired. I am tired of always expecting something new or different, only to be handed the same old crap time after time. I must be doing something wrong.

Enough of that. On to the photos…

Shockingly, I actually “cooked” today. (For someone who likes to cook, I certainly don’t seem to do it very often.)

To be honest, I think I liked the stuffing a lot better. No point in the outside, really!

I don’t have a Bar of the Day today, but I have this:

The best part of this is that it was free! Remember my mother lode of diet Snapple? When I bought those, I got a case of these for free. I think it’s because it’s a new product and they want to promote it, but hey, I never say no to freebies!!

Even though there is no new Bar of the Day today, I do have this on offer:

I microwaved a lemon bar Larabar. It brought out the lemon flavor a lot more, which is good because I was disappointed that it didn’t taste very lemon-y! As an added bonus, it made the house smell really good. If you ever run out of scented candles, you know what to do. (Actually, I microwaved it a bit too long, hence the dark spot… it burned in middle. Oh, dear.)

And finally, this is what I spent all day doing at work.

Yes, changing light bulbs!! I’m not really complaining, though. It’s nice to have a change every once in a while. Particularly if I get better lighting out of it as a result!!

See the difference?… Guess which side is the old, and which is the new. Ha.

It’s finally the weekend! It will be a bit stressful since my mom is sick, but I do not want to let that bring me down. It is supposed to be beautiful out, and I want to enjoy that! Plus I have the latest Jodi Picoult book, and I can’t wait to read it.

Have a great weekend, all!