Well, I’m back home again! The flight back was seriously interminable… it was packed, for one thing. If I didn’t need to be at work today, I would have been able to be bumped and gotten a free ticket. It totally sucks that I couldn’t. Didn’t help that I was feeling claustrophobic already before I even got on the plane because I knew it was so full! And the air wasn’t circulating well at all in my cabin, so it was nauseating and all that. Oh, and at the very crowded baggage claim carousel I had the great fortune to be squashed among a bunch of people who seem to have not yet been enlightened to the modern invention that is deodorant. So that wasn’t so pleasant! But it’s all done with now.
The landing was really rough, for some reason. While we were standing in the stifling aisle waiting to get off the plane, I just mentioned in passing that I felt nauseated (due to the aforementioned conditions!) and my mom snapped at me that of course I felt that way since all I had eaten was “a yogurt and half a piece of bread.” Which isn’t true at all (especially since there wasn’t any yogurt to be seen anywhere!), but of course even just hearing her say that made me feel like crap… since I don’t want to think about that, I’m not going to elaborate!
I am feeling sort of ambivalent about being home again. On one hand, I love Israel and didn’t want to leave. But it’s also a bit of a relief to get back into a routine… to know what exactly I’m supposed to be doing and when. (Even though I am SO overwhelmed with work already, I’m afraid to even think of it all!!) It actually crossed my mind to just cancel my appointments with my nutritionist and therapist this week because I might have screwed up badly and need to “rectify” that, but somehow that might just make it worse, so… it’s all my fault, anyway.
It was a real relief to get back to the gym this morning. It’s partly in my head, I’m sure, but still… working out makes me a little less anxious about being “allowed” to eat. I was so tempted to get on the scale, and I very nearly did… for the moment, I think I’m glad that I didn’t, but I don’t know… I’d kind of like to know if I totally blew it and lost too much weight, but I wouldn’t know whether or not I did since I didn’t weigh myself before… and if I didn’t lose weight then I would hate myself and restrict, so there really isn’t any point in getting on the stupid thing.
Last night my sister brought over the first edition printing of my next book, which was exciting! It took a lot less time than expected, so it’s actually copyrighted May 2009, but whatever. As my mom would say, “Nobody pays attention to things like that.” Unless you’re like me, or a cataloging librarian? I don’t know… I’ve always read the title page verso! Maybe I’m just weird.