Slogging along

So here I am at midnight, having a battle with WiFi instead of sleeping. Not even going to attempt to get any photos on here (and believe me, they’re not all of food either!!), because if it doesn’t work — which it probably won’t as I will get cut off in middle — I am seriously going to have a nervous breakdown. Generally that is something to be avoided.

A couple of months ago I won a snazzy new cell phone… I wound up getting a Samsung Propel. Which is a world phone, but I haven’t gone anywhere since I’ve gotten it. I was a little curious to see what the per-minute roaming charge is (yes, I do realize I could have just called my provider and asked!), but we always rent phones when we go to Israel. Anyway, I guess I’ll find out when I get my next bill, because my therapist called me tonight. I didn’t answer it the first time because she knew I was going to Israel. But then she called again and I figured that she must have forgotten what I’d said, just like everyone else seems to do. (I was right.) So now I will find out how much it costs per minute, based on this thirty-second phone call. Which was only thirty seconds because when she asked how I’m doing I said something along the lines of “fine.” I always do say that, but still. It sort of isn’t true, because even though I might really feel “fine,” I am having a very hard time with being “compliant” and I guess that qualifies as “struggling.” (Just by the way, I absolutely hate that word.)

I suppose that if you can actually see yourself falling down a flight of stairs, you can flail around and try to grab onto the railing before you land on your head at the bottom… meaning that if I can tell that I’m getting myself into trouble, then I should be able to do something about it. Why am I such a coward that I’m so terrified of it?!?!?!

Today was technically the bar mitzvah… starting at the Kotel and ending with an early dinner at a restaurant about which I had been previously appraised. I knew what I was supposed to be ordering… and for some reason, the Hebrew word for “dressing” just completely flew out of my head. Nonetheless, the waiter did indicate that he understood what I meant when I said I wanted the dressing on the side, and so I had a minor apopleptic fit when it arrived drenched in dressing… subjecting myself to The Eyes from the parental units. (Problem solved, he brought me another one, but still. Completely not the point.) It is just so infantilizing to be constantly told that “We agreed you were going to behave, otherwise you didn’t have to come!” A) If “we” agreed, someone should have let me in on it. B) Thanks, it’s always nice to know I’m wanted!

But to tell the truth… I am kind of envious that other people can just go out and eat whatever, whenever, and not give a damn. I mean, yes, I do have the technical physical ability to do that too… I just don’t have the mental stamina for it. My nieces were having the time of their lives trying all of the desserts, and I hope more than anything in the world that they can do that all their lives without worrying about such stupid things the way I seem compelled to do.

We did try to make it to the light and sound show at Migdal David afterwards but it was too late, even though we ran like crazy people through the Arab shuk to get there… and on Saturday night the show starts too close to the end of Shabbos for us to make it, so I guess it will just have to wait until my next trip to Israel. (Along with going diving in Eilat… I SO wanted to do that!!) The ONE thing I wanted to do here this time was ride a camel, and I still don’t know whether that will work out.

Okay. Giving myself a little pep talk here: STOP BEING SO DUMB!!! It won’t kill you not to work out for a few days… (And if you think it will, you can pay the forty shekel a day that they request for the hotel gym.) You are biting off your own arm with this stupidity… but hey, if you’re doing that already, may as well eat the damn thing.

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One response to “Slogging along

  1. Burp and Slurp~!

    I’m so sorry about that little episode…ED rears his ugly head at all times…I understand the envy you feel for ppl who can just eat when they want and what they want…it’s a constant struggle, and we need to be constantly aware of it when ED speaks. sounds like you’re rebutting him nicely though!

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