So, I had a pretty awesome lunch today.
Edamame and roasted kabocha is probably one of my favorite combinations ever. Unfortunately, I couldn’t really enjoy it, because it was very difficult to swallow against the guilt.
Guilt for what? Well… remember when I mentioned yesterday that I had something semi-exciting on my agenda for today? It was a trip to this place.
I must have passed by it dozens of times, so I have no idea how I never realized it was there.
I could blow a few thousand bucks in this place, easy. (Not to mention the store downstairs… this building is dangerous.) When I left, I was carrying a bag loaded down with this:
The prices weren’t the same as what you see in the links… I don’t know what’s up with that. But I definitely did not spend over $400 on a regulator alone. However. I did spend a shocking amount of money. So much so that I neglected to have them assemble it for me, lest the guilt become too much and I have to return it and pay a disassembly fee.
This happens to me every single time I spend a substantial amount of money on myself. I feel like I need to justify it… I don’t really spend money on other things aside from diving. I can excuse it as an early birthday present. You get the idea.
Part of this is probably due to the way I was raised: I had it drilled into my skull to save, save, save. While this is undoubtedly a better philosophy than spend, spend, spend, the result is that I make money, I put it in my savings account, and then it is “untouchable” to me, so it’s like I don’t have any money at all. For what am I saving, I’d like to know?! Nobody ever really bothered to explain that part. And whenever I spend money on something I love — that is, diving — the guilt is only compounded by the fact that my family deems it a “waste of money.” While I will tell them, obstinately, that it is my money and I can do with it what I want, I can’t help internalizing the message that I do not deserve it.
So then, as I do, I got to thinking too much about this. And I realized that while the “excuses” I mentioned might very well be legitimate, they are absolutely unnecessary. Why should one feel the need for justification in such cases? This isn’t even only pertaining to this particular instance; it’s an overarching theme in my life, this urge to rationalize why I should deserve to do something.
There are a few people at my workplace with whom I feel comfortable discussing such things, and all of them told me variations of the same thing: money is meant to be spent; I’m going to get good use out of it; I’m doing it because it is something that I love. All of these things, however, seem to be eradicated the moment I hear my mom tell me that you have nothing to do with your money. I hate that my parents’ opinion has the power to do that to me, but you know what? Affirmation of the day: I am worth it.
And, apparently, worth this too.
Double chocolate chip muffin topper with Barney butter and a side of crossword. The latter of which is infinitely more exciting.
I’m sure this doesn’t come as a surprise, but the girl who opened the gym today was late. I wouldn’t even mention it, because it is so typical, except that we were greeted by this sight when she finally did arrive.
Now there’s something you don’t see every day. Incidentally, I am going to apparently have to schedule regular calls to customer service — not that it makes a difference. The person with whom I spoke today had such a hard time grasping the concept that I was calling about two different locations. Yes, yesterday I was at X and she never showed up, and today I was at Y and she came late! Is that really so hard to believe?! ARGH!!
Tomorrow is a fast day. Guess who is being sacrilegious? (Surprise, surprise!) I was actually glad that it fell out on a Tuesday, because I just know that Mr. J is going to make some sort of stupid obnoxious comment about the fact that I am eating on a fast day, and so I was happy that I would be meeting my friend for lunch. But she isn’t here, because she’s scouting out apartments near her law school. Guess I shall have to endure some idiocy… oh, wait, I do that every day. (A gem from last week: how much do postage stamps cost these days? Dude. Did you seriously get up from in front of your computer to come ask me that?? Couldn’t you just have looked it up??)
Have a lovely Tuesday.
“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”