Pool of Guilt

Let’s just dive right in, shall we? (I apologize for the corny nature of that opening line. Bad things like that happen when I’m overtired!)

I tried a new cereal today: kamut flakes.

They were a lot “lighter” than any other flaked cereal I’ve ever had. Plain, they don’t really taste like anything much, but when I added the almond milk, they took on a subtle sweetness. Which I found weird, because the almond milk on its own doesn’t have much flavor either! Two negatives equal a positive, I guess. I didn’t love this enough to buy it regularly, though; it was on sale, so I figured I’d try it, but I don’t feel like it’s something I have to have.

I had a rocking salad today; you know how sometimes the individual components just don’t come together into something awesome? I’m happy to report that this was not the case today.

Romaine, roasted portabella mushrooms, roasted Brussels sprouts, tofu steak, and beets. Its enjoyability was probably increased by the fact that I was able to consume it sans interruptions. Mr. J’s absence helped a lot there!

My poor aching bones and I went to the pool tonight. I really needed a good swim. I walked out on the pool deck and I could immediately tell that I would not be getting a warm one. That was confirmed when I put my foot on the first step of the ladder. And then my goggles deconstructed themselves. I have the pieces, but I need a new string. That meant that I had to use my second-rate goggles — now I know why I never bothered to take them out of my swim bag! I spent at least ten minutes shivering, then swam five laps in what I am pretty sure is less time than I ever have before, solely because I was trying to keep myself from freezing to death. It didn’t work. I was not enjoying it. So I just got out of the pool and went to rinse off in the showers, which thankfully were hot… and as I stood there, I began to feel guilty for cutting my swim short. I was thisclose to putting my swimsuit back on and getting into the frigid water again, even though I know that cold water makes me utterly miserable.

This pisses me off on so many levels. I’ve loved swimming ever since I first learned how, practically before I could walk. It was never about burning calories for me; I am always very careful not to stay in the pool long enough to get compulsive over it. Apparently, it didn’t make any difference. I don’t quite know what to make of this, but I do know that it upsets me. A lot.

At least I have a bagful of fuzzy socks, I guess.

I also have a morning meeting tomorrow that will span over the time when I’d normally have a snack. And an RSI that is acting up again. And a class presentation for which I am not exactly prepared… I read the book and wrote out a very sketchy summary, and then I did a mock presentation for my mom. Which didn’t help on a practical level, since there are a lot of “industry terms” in there, and she had no idea what I was saying anyway, so who knows if it made any sense at all?! Not me, that’s for sure.

Since I woke up every hour on the hour last night (literally: 12.30, 1.38, 2.50, 3.40, and 4.48, at which point I gave up on sleep), I will curtail the ramblings and stop here now. If only there were some way to just keep my body on its right side, I might actually have a chance at sleeping through the night! … Heh, that’s a good joke.

Have a happy Hump Day!

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.
~Author Unknown

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13 responses to “Pool of Guilt

  1. YAY FOR NEW CEREAL AND ROCKIN” SALADS. sorry about your swim and the sleep issue. i’ve only been sleeping okay due to a hardass workout and tired body. totally feeling flabby right now. =(

  2. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce

    sorry to hear about the guilt at the pool today. it’s so awful how something you love can be twisted into something disordered, but it’s good that you’re recognizing it now so it doesn’t become a bigger problem. that cereal sounds interesting, love your math: 2 – = a +

  3. Stef, I think she said that it never was a calorie-burning thing?
    I used to swim a lot in Singapore, where it’s outdoors and hot, but now I can’t really swim anymore….the water is so frigid cold! Perhaps you just need a bit more calories to burn the furnace inside you that day?

  4. I feel the same way about running. I’ve always protected it from my eating disorder – whenever I’ve started relapsing I’ve always STOPPED running, so it doesn’t become ‘contaminated’ :P I genuinely enjoy it so no ED’d connotations are allowed. Regardless of this, sometimes I still find myself thinking I should go out running when it’s raining or when I’m really tired. In those circumstances the urge isn’t the important thing, it’s what I do with it. I tell myself I’m not going running and running continues to be something I enjoy rather than something I have to do. You did the same thing – you felt guilty and like you should get back in the pool, but you didn’t. You protected swimming :) this is a good thing!

    Good luck with your presentation!

  5. Sorry you didn’t sleep well!

    I love fuzzy socks :) :) :)

    I want to try those kamut flakes, I like light crunchy cereal a lot. but nothing compares to our fav :) :)

  6. that road looks like abbey road, no?
    i love fuzzy socks hehe when i was younger, i thought i was the coolest person ever buying fuzzy socks at aeropostale
    i’m sorry you didn’t have such an awesome experience at the pool–i hate when the water is cold! its good you were able to tell yourself that you didn’t HAVE to stay miserable in that cold water…i know the feeling.
    love
    becca

  7. Once you get a new string, put in as many knots as possible. That’s never happened to me, what a pain!
    There’s nothing better than fuzzy warm socks on a cold day :)

  8. hey! im loving that cereal you got yum ;) and that salad. i looove tthat. im sorry to hear about your swimming issues, but you did a great job by listening to yourself. and aw sorry about the sleep too! those amazing socks will make you all cuddly and ready for bed though! i drink some tea when i cant sleep and it puts me right back to bed :D xoxo soph

  9. Oh no, hun… Don’t let ED manipulate your love of swimming. Exercise should be about making ourselves feeling good and healthy, not about burning calories. We shouldn’t be killing ourselves to burn more and more against our bodies wishes. You did right to stop swimming if you weren’t enjoying it.

    And I can totally relate to waking up every hour, on the hour. It’s horrible. Especially if you keep glancing at the clock and wishing you could just get up and start your day. I hope you’re feeling better soon. I bet the fuzzy socks help :)

  10. You did the right thing at the pool! It’s insane to swim in freezing water ~ I don’t know how you do it. I stopped swimming altogether because of the fact that the pool’s heating system was altered and it went from being temperate to frigid. I just didn’t enjoy having to dread getting in the water any more. Your immune system is probably thanking you and if you had carried on regardless and caught a chill then you might have been unable to swim for weeks due to illness. If you’re in such discomfort that it’s spoiling your enjoyment then you need to stop: I’m learning that the hard way with running! Actually apparently there have been complaints at my pool about the temperature and it’s meant to have been adjusted, so I might give swimming another try…goggles are always my problem though. They’re never waterproof enough, not without having them so tight that I end up with panda eyes when I’m done.

    So sorry about the sleep situation ~ if insomnia hasn’t been a factor your whole life then I’d imagine it’s caused by stress but with all those external factors you have to juggle I’m not suprised that you’re so anxious *hugs*.

    I always feel odd presenting to my parents too, as they have no knowledge of or interest in my subject. I think it’s good to anyway though…particularly in terms of confidence building.

    Sending sleepy thoughts…

    ~Jess~
    xoxoxoxox

  11. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    sorry about the troubles with the swimming. that is great you feel like you have done a good job of separating it from a calorie-burning thing. don’t sweat one off day, honestly it is completely ok! it really is :) you will have os many great days you will never even remember this bad one!
    xoxo
    shelley
    http://findinghappinessandheatlth.wordpress.com

  12. Sorry about your goggles :-(

    I wish my gym had a pool! I’m all over those cozy socks… where did you get them? I love patterned ones… I have very few that are just plain white!

  13. Pingback: Unexpected Day Off « Blue Eyed Heart

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