I am so tired.

I’m tired of grabbing at straws. It feels like I’m constantly searching for something, like there’s this big huge gaping hole in my life, only I can’t possibly fill it because I don’t know what’s missing. I can’t even do a semi-adequate job of verbalizing it. All I know is that I spend a large portion of every day in a panic because of it. It isn’t like I’ve forgotten to do something important; it’s more like there’s something major that I need to have, and I don’t have it.  I’m doing a horrible job of explaining this… I should just give up on that.

My MP3 player is admittedly old — going on three years — but the battery is still draining insanely fast.  I’m going to have to stockpile on ear buds, too, at this rate.  And it isn’t working.  I still can’t get away from myself.  And I really, really need to do that.  Because I know my pattern of swapping one maladaptive coping mechanism for another, and in the past, whenever gaining weight got me to the point of being unable to stand being in my own skin, I would start cutting again.  I don’t know why I think that is so much more abnormal than an eating disorder, but I do; I haven’t done it in close to two years, and I’d like to keep it that way.  That is extremely, extremely difficult when I can’t seem to get out of my own head for long enough to quit feeling like I am too much.

Another thing that happens when I feel like I’m getting “too fat” is that I seem to develop a compulsion to shower multiple times a day.  Now, admittedly, there are worse things — say, such as a compulsion to not shower — but it can still get annoying.  I mean, I know I’m only doing it because I feel like I am genuinely “dirty” — but whatever it is that I want to get rid of can’t just be washed away, so I am essentially wasting my time and energy.

As usual, I feel like I’m struggling mightily to convey whatever it is I’m trying to say, but it’s just not coming out right, and I’m frustrating myself.  I’m going to shut up now and give that another go at a later date…

Review of the apple cinnamon NuGo 10 bar:

I really liked this! It tastes very similar to the apple pie Larabar, but it’s a lot softer, and there are more chewy apple pieces than I’ve ever encountered in a Larabar. (Plus there aren’t any walnuts in it — not that I’m a big fan of walnuts anyway, but I can’t have them right now.)

Romaine, roasted (burned-and-set-off-the-smoke-alarm) turnip, whole-grain rotini, and pink beans. An entire can of pink beans. I don’t know what my nutritionist was thinking, telling me to do this — that’s nearly twenty grams of fiber in one shot! I was understandably quite scared to eat this.  I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly thank my digestive system for not going completely ape on me.  I promise not to test you like that again!

It’s not unheard of for me to pass off “sleepwear” as clothing; the more I think about it, the more I love the idea.  Target’s sleepwear department is quickly becoming my favorite place to buy tops!  The latest one came with a pair of tiny shorts.  Exactly what am I supposed to do with a pair of thermal shorts that can barely cover my butt??

Actually, the most astounding thing about this is that it comes in several different colors / patterns, and I didn’t agonize over my choice at all.  I knew exactly which one I wanted.  Which is weird.  Very, very weird.

Icky picture up ahead, so consider yourself warned.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that my upper arms are insanely itchy lately.  Seriously…

What the hell is that?!?!  (Yeah, part of it is probably because I scratched it.  But I only scratched it because it was there first! … Chicken or the egg?)

By the way, thanks for the good thoughts re: my presentation… as it turns out, there are six groups who were supposed to present, and we only had time for four.  Guess whose group is one of the two that didn’t have a chance this week?  So next week I get to go through double the agony and give two presentations.  I want to throw up just at the thought.

But since I was stuck in a mind-numbingly boring class, I made good use of my time there and got to work on another book.  It felt so good to be doing that again, I can’t even describe it.

And it was warm out today.  Warm enough that I was able to go sans boots, something which was greatly appreciated by my poor beleaguered feet.  Two years ago, I was convinced I had broken my foot, but it turned out it was just a bunion.  Those combat boots that are supposed to be comfortable don’t seem to agree with said bunion.  I am amassing quite the collection of boots that I can’t even wear!  Which would be fine, except that I’m actually paying for them.  Grrr.

In other exciting news… it’s the Attack of the Cousins this week / weekend.  Someone shoot me?

Have a great Tuesday!