A couple of months after I started at my current job — about two years ago — I began to experience an extremely annoying pain in my wrist. I tried to ignore it, but given the nature of my job, I kind of need to use my wrist constantly, and so despite my better judgment, I made my way to my doctor’s office. In short, I have a repetitive strain injury, and his brilliant advice was for me to stop using my wrist. I told him that was impossible, and he told me to “splint it in [my] mind,” which I thought was ridiculous, and then he said I should get another job. Right. So, basically, I’ve been living with it for the past two years. Sometimes it’s not that bad and ignoring it is fairly easy. Other times, picking up a bedsheet makes me want to scream. Right now I am having one of those “other times,” and quite frankly, I don’t need it. I’m enough of a mess without this flaring up in the midst of it all!
While I’m already on the subject of my crazy doctor, I called him to find out whether my blood test results came back. Most of them did. (Now I know why patients spend so many hours in his waiting room; apparently, phone calls take precendence. Good to know.) I don’t remember everything he said — I’m going to ask for a copy when they’re complete — but he did say that my “sexual hormones are normal for where [I am] in [my] cycle.” Uhhh… is he stupid?! What cycle?! I haven’t had one of those in years! Geesh. Everything is pretty much normal; a few things were a tiny bit high / low but not enough to be worrisome. Oh, yeah, I have a slightly underactive thyroid. Like I need any more help in the “getting fat” arena!! Just what I didn’t have to hear under the current circumstances. Most notable, though, is the fact that I am not anemic. So why am I so tired all the time?!?! He told me I have a virus. Then he said maybe I have mono. Um. I don’t have mono. I’m tired, but I’m not that tired! He says maybe I have a “touch” of mono. Huh. I didn’t know it comes in touches. Anyway, he said he’d call the lab and have them run some more tests (considering I did give them more than enough blood, and all) for Epstein-Barr Virus and mono, and I should call him back on Monday. Joy oh joy oh joy. I don’t think I have either of those, since the only “symptom” I have is fatigue, but whatever. He loves to shoot in the dark.
Since my therapist was away this week, and I was definitely in need of some sort of intervention, I used my lunch break to indulge in some retail therapy… or tried to, anyway. I knew what I wanted — I had seen it online — but when I went to the mall to check it out in the store, the store wasn’t there!! Apparently it’s now a perfume shop. Just as well, I guess, because it saved me money… I’m not interested in the hassle of buying it online and then sending it back if it’s the wrong size. Oh, well.
I realized today that I am actually probably depressed. I’m a very weird depressed person… I don’t become incapacitated, crawl into bed and cry. Even if I’d love nothing better sometimes! No, I just get into a general funk and go about with a cloud hanging over my head, which is exhausting, as I’m sure you can imagine; it is even more exhausting because I have to pretend to be happy around my parents. Apparently, everything can somehow be blamed on me, so if I’m depressed, it’s my fault. (Case in point: my mom was up in arms about how I’ve screwed up my body and that’s why it was so hard to get blood from me on Monday. Well, as it turns out? Those tubes were defective, and it had nothing to do with me. Of course, she refuses to face that fact.) So much for the theory that gaining weight balances out the chemicals in your brain… if this is balanced, I think I’d prefer to remain unbalanced, thank you very much.
My parents have gotten into this minor obsession with Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and my dad told me that I ought to be on it… right, because I am just dying to humiliate myself on national television! But I actually did print out an application, just for kicks. It would be funny, I think.
This morning I posted an Operation Beautiful note near the locker of that woman at the gym who is always making comments about my body… I didn’t see her there today, so I don’t know if she even found it or if someone already removed it, but hey… I tried.
Another random photo… wheat berries with Steamfresh Italian blend vegetables (um, I think that would be broccoli, cauliflower, red pepper, carrots, zucchini, and lima beans) and Italian dressing.
Is it just me, or am I being extremely… staccato here? … I’m not feeling very communicative, I guess. That tends to happen to me just when I should be “talking about it” — I just clam up instead, because words seem so trite in view of what I am trying to express, and I could never do it justice. There are only so many times and ways one can say that they hate / are disgusted by themselves before it becomes extremely annoying. I kind of have a monopoly on the “extremely annoying” market already, so I don’t think I really need to make matters worse there. Which is why I am going to shut up now. Finally.
Have a great Friday!