Ouch.

A couple of months after I started at my current job — about two years ago — I began to experience an extremely annoying pain in my wrist.  I tried to ignore it, but given the nature of my job, I kind of need to use my wrist constantly, and so despite my better judgment, I made my way to my doctor’s office.  In short, I have a repetitive strain injury, and his brilliant advice was for me to stop using my wrist.  I told him that was impossible, and he told me to “splint it in [my] mind,” which I thought was ridiculous, and then he said I should get another job.  Right.  So, basically, I’ve been living with it for the past two years.  Sometimes it’s not that bad and ignoring it is fairly easy.  Other times, picking up a bedsheet makes me want to scream.  Right now I am having one of those “other times,” and quite frankly, I don’t need it.  I’m enough of a mess without this flaring up in the midst of it all!

While I’m already on the subject of my crazy doctor, I called him to find out whether my blood test results came back.  Most of them did.  (Now I know why patients spend so many hours in his waiting room; apparently, phone calls take precendence.  Good to know.)  I don’t remember everything he said — I’m going to ask for a copy when they’re complete — but he did say that my “sexual hormones are normal for where [I am] in [my] cycle.”  Uhhh… is he stupid?!  What cycle?!  I haven’t had one of those in years!  Geesh.  Everything is pretty much normal; a few things were a tiny bit high / low but not enough to be worrisome.  Oh, yeah, I have a slightly underactive thyroid.  Like I need any more help in the “getting fat” arena!!  Just what I didn’t have to hear under the current circumstances.  :(  Most notable, though, is the fact that I am not anemic.  So why am I so tired all the time?!?!  He told me I have a virus.  Then he said maybe I have mono.  Um.  I don’t have mono.  I’m tired, but I’m not that tired!  He says maybe I have a “touch” of mono.  Huh.  I didn’t know it comes in touches.  Anyway, he said he’d call the lab and have them run some more tests (considering I did give them more than enough blood, and all) for Epstein-Barr Virus and mono, and I should call him back on Monday.  Joy oh joy oh joy.  I don’t think I have either of those, since the only “symptom” I have is fatigue, but whatever.  He loves to shoot in the dark.

Since my therapist was away this week, and I was definitely in need of some sort of intervention, I used my lunch break to indulge in some retail therapy… or tried to, anyway.  I knew what I wanted — I had seen it online — but when I went to the mall to check it out in the store, the store wasn’t there!!  Apparently it’s now a perfume shop.  Just as well, I guess, because it saved me money… I’m not interested in the hassle of buying it online and then sending it back if it’s the wrong size.  Oh, well.

I realized today that I am actually probably depressed.  I’m a very weird depressed person… I don’t become incapacitated, crawl into bed and cry.  Even if I’d love nothing better sometimes!  No, I just get into a general funk and go about with a cloud hanging over my head, which is exhausting, as I’m sure you can imagine; it is even more exhausting because I have to pretend to be happy around my parents.  Apparently, everything can somehow be blamed on me, so if I’m depressed, it’s my fault.  (Case in point: my mom was up in arms about how I’ve screwed up my body and that’s why it was so hard to get blood from me on Monday.  Well, as it turns out?  Those tubes were defective, and it had nothing to do with me.  Of course, she refuses to face that fact.)  So much for the theory that gaining weight balances out the chemicals in your brain… if this is balanced, I think I’d prefer to remain unbalanced, thank you very much.

My parents have gotten into this minor obsession with Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and my dad told me that I ought to be on it… right, because I am just dying to humiliate myself on national television!  But I actually did print out an application, just for kicks.  It would be funny, I think.

This morning I posted an Operation Beautiful note near the locker of that woman at the gym who is always making comments about my body… I didn’t see her there today, so I don’t know if she even found it or if someone already removed it, but hey… I tried.

IMG_0101

Another random photo… wheat berries with Steamfresh Italian blend vegetables (um, I think that would be broccoli, cauliflower, red pepper, carrots, zucchini, and lima beans) and Italian dressing.

IMG_0102Is it just me, or am I being extremely… staccato here? … I’m not feeling very communicative, I guess.  That tends to happen to me just when I should be “talking about it” — I just clam up instead, because words seem so trite in view of what I am trying to express, and I could never do it justice.  There are only so many times and ways one can say that they hate / are disgusted by themselves before it becomes extremely annoying.  I kind of have a monopoly on the “extremely annoying” market already, so I don’t think I really need to make matters worse there.  Which is why I am going to shut up now.  Finally.

But first — there’s a giveaway over at The Skinny Plate — check it out!

Have a great Friday!

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12 responses to “Ouch.

  1. You seem to be talking it out just fine. Er, writing. Keep it up! And sorry about your injury :-(

  2. im so sorry to hear about your wrist :( that’s really no fun. You probably have some form of tendonitous, which is what causes the pain. I would look into seeing an orthopaedic.

    In regards to the other health problems, I would just get a second opinion. But with what the doctor did tell you, try not to be so negative about it. I know it’s hard when it just feels like everything keeps on coming but the more upset you allow yourself to be, the more awful life will feel.

    And trust me the chemicals in your brain WILL balance out but it takes some time. It stinks but the weight comes on a lot faster than the mental part balances out. No fun but just the way of life. Hang in there and it will work itself out! xoxo

  3. No need to apologize! I totally understand that my post was on the controversial side and I would never want anyone to read it unless they felt in a stable mindset to do so ~ it took me almost an hour to even hit the ‘post’ button because I was worried about the effect it might have ~ you need to put YOUR feelings first and do whatever it takes to maintain an emotional equiibrium.

    I meant to comment on your last post too, so if anything I should be saying sorry! My ridiculous issues with my eyes are getting worse and I’m trying not to spend too much time in front of a computer screen all at once or late at night, but it’s irritating because there are so many people I want to respond to without feeling so dizzy I nearly fall off my chair.

    What a wonderful idea with the operation beautiful note! I really hope she did read it and perhaps it might affect her positively? Either way it was such a thoughtful gesture.

    Your tiredness and depression may be interlinked ~ not everyone who’s depressed necessarily cries or lets their emotions out in an ‘uncontrollable’, overt way. You have so many struggles going on in your life right now that I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you were depressed, particularly when you have virtually no understanding people to talk your problems through with. I know when I kept everything in and tried to struggle through without any emotional support I felt tired and fatigued constantly just from the mental energy of pushing through a day…are you sure there’s no-one you could open up to about this? I really wish I could wave a magic wand and make your parents more sensitive to your situation.

    You most certainly are smarter than a 5th Grader ~ you’d wipe the floor with them!

    From your picture you still look extremely underweight and therefore some of your gain could be water retention, or just your body trying to cling to every calorie to survive. Not everyone gets to the hypermetabolic state that seems to have become some kind of Holy Grail: just because you’re gaining on what you are now does not mean that you’ll need a restrictive amount to maintain. Your metabolism could be perfectly capable of catching up with you and I’d imagine you WILL stop gaining on that amount in time. Apart from which, there are so many circumstances that can change during a day that you might not have had a ‘true’ gain anyway: my doctor’s scales weigh 6lbs heavier than the ones I have at home, which weigh 2lbs more than the ones at my gym. Rest assured that there’s no way you look any different than in your older pics, and there’s no way you should feel disgusted with your beautiful self.
    <3

    xoxoxo

  4. rediscoveringlauren

    Hi hun
    im sorry to hear about your wrist issues! I Hope something can be done so it gets better!
    love the operation beautiful note :)
    xxx

  5. Your experience with depression sounds similar to mine. When I am really depressed I actually can’t cry, and spend most of my time being absolutely knackered and wanting to do nothing more than stare into space. It feels kind of like the tiredness of flu without the other symptoms. It sucks and I’m really sorry you’re going through it <3 I wish there was something I could suggest – did your doctor test for B vitamin deficiencies? That causes tiredness and depression. I think the main reason I hung on to the anorexia for so long was because it was such an effective 'treatment' for depression, but in the long term it doesn't help at all, it just makes things worse. Numbness isn't the same as stability (lol, if only!). I hope tomorrow is better <3

  6. Totally just talked about your last point in my latest post… I feel ya on the communication issue… Talking is so much different.

    Your doc kinda sounds like a slacker… if you can, maybe take your results and issues to someone else? Maybe they’ll have more to say…

    Hope you feel better sweet stuff, you can work through anything! You’ve got a smart noggin’!

    xo,
    Keri
    http://hopskipleap.wordpress.com
    http://operationbreakingglass.wordpress.com

  7. I am so sorry about your wrist! I hope it feels better soon love :) xoxoxoxo

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