Stay vs. Go

Before I forget (again), I remembered that incredibly stupid comment made by the moderator at that workshop yesterday… basically, she asked who in the room had ever been on a diet. Naturally, every single woman raised her hand. Same to the question of who had been on multiple diets. And then she segued into how dieting and making certain things “off limits” makes you want them more, and so “the best thing you could do for an anorexic is to put them on a diet!” To be fair, I do think she was partly joking, but seriously… it’s all about denial, that’s the whole point!! What is anorexia if not one big “diet”?!

And another thing that touched a nerve with me there… someone asked one of the speakers how you can bring someone with an ED out of their denial. The speaker likened an ED to alcoholism / drug addiction in saying that you have to allow the addict to reach rock bottom. This rankled, because, well, I’ve mentioned my twisted relationship with “rock bottom” before… I don’t even know what that would be for me, but isn’t the technical definition of “rock bottom” for an eating disorder, um, death? At which point I would think it’s kind of too late to be worrying about denial! (It might sound funny to say this, but even after all these years, I think I am still in a little bit of denial. ED? Me? Nah.)

So, I’ve been trying to come up with that list of “life goals,” and honestly? I just can’t do it. Am I really that short-sighted?? What a depressing thought. I know I’ve mentioned in the past that around here I am more or less an old maid — the horror — and it kind of freaks me out that I could be living with my parents until I’m a hundred and fifty. Because, naturally, you’re “supposed” to live at home until you get married. (Which makes sense if you get married when you’re eighteen. Not so much ten years later!) Yeah, people will think I am “weird” if I move out, but then again, I already have so many “black marks” against me (read: ED) that this really couldn’t make much of a difference either way, I don’t think. Cynic though I may be, I think I do want to get married at some point (which is just too bad on me, really)… but that doesn’t mean I want to hang around here forever.

Living at home is clearly not the best thing for me… it is what is known as a “toxic environment.” So why am I still here?? Instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing and compiling a list of goals, I am making a list of pros and cons for moving out.

Pros: Uh, duh. Independence. Biggie.

Cons: Financially impossible if I’m still in grad school… maybe possible if I have a roommate, but if I’m going to have to live with someone who drives me crazy anyway, I may as well stay where I am — then at least I will save on the rent! And if I’m living at home, I don’t have to pay for most of food I eat at home… I worry that if I actually have to pay for it all myself, I just won’t buy it.

While pondering this issue, I realized something that I don’t exactly want to admit to myself. I’ve held this out as my “savior” for so long that I am afraid to actually do it, lest it blow up in my face. That makes me a big, fat wimp. And I hate that.

Just because it would be a sacrilege to post without having some pictures in here, I will now tell two very sad stories.

#1

Introducing what used to be my favorite flavor of diet Snapple… it only came out on the market a couple of years ago, and it was SO hard to find. And then it vanished entirely. So, “customer service” lover that I am, of course I contacted Snapple to find out why it was no longer on supermarket shelves… or on their website!! And they told me that this flavor has been “retired,” but if I wanted a similar one, I should try the plum-a-granate. I have tried the plum-a-granate. It tastes nothing like the blueberry! This is another item on the very, very long list of products with which I have fallen in love that have subsequently been discontinued. I think that I ought to post that list one day, just for kicks.

#2

Clearly, this is a Nature Valley Chewy granola bar… I believe they are marketed as Chewy Trail Mix bars in the States. The reason why these are in Hebrew is because I brought them back from Israel with me. The reason why I lugged granola bars halfway across the world is because these bars are not kosher in the States. (Would someone please explain the logic to me?! Product manufactured in the States, certified kosher in the States, but not sold in the States?! How does this make any sense?!) The reason why this is a sad story is because they are nearly gone, and it would be quite spendthrift of me to go to Israel just to buy granola bars, which, I might add, were also outrageously expensive.

C’est la vie.

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6 responses to “Stay vs. Go

  1. ok, those women at the workshop sound like ignorant fools to me. I'd be tearing my hair out with frustration. Put an anorexic on a diet! Let an Anorexic hit rock bottom! WHAT?!
    hmm…I'm not sure why you find coming up with life goals so hard…I have so many goals for my life! It don't need to be something grandiose…it can be simple things like…make my parents happy, or something. Perhaps start small, then work your way up?

  2. ack @ the comment- the Kartini Clinic in Oregan who do a lot of Maudsley put all their patients on a food plan where they aren't allowed desserts for an entire years. Not a major issue for *me*, but given that most of their patients are kids and the program is to help them back to 'normal' this seems weird…don't most kids eat ice cream and cake on occasion?..

    I think the pros and cons list is good. It sounds as if you very much WANT to move out, but the responsibility of buying/eating food is too big right now- can I ask what it is your parents do that make it easier for you to do that at home? What always hits me in your posts in that you aren't doing this for YOu. Which I totally understand and relate to 100&, but honestly? Things will never change if the motivation isn't coming from yourself. I second Sophia's suggestion of starting SMALL. You don't need huge grand plans. Little things like wanting to move out or wanting to finish school…

    I LOVE the plum-a-granite snapple!

  3. thenoviceberker

    Aww, dear. Chill out! Sometimes, you have to focus on the short-term goals and reach those first before you scheme for the bigger ones.

    And don't even worry about living with your parents. You're still YOUNG, dear!!! And forget everyone else being on their own, etc etc. Each person has to live their own life at their own pace.

  4. hello gorgeous :)

    First off, comments made by professionals like that is PRECISELY why I want to go into psych nursing. Seriously, people go into these fields thinking a book will tell them all they need to know. Epic fail.

    As for the living situation, maybe there's someplace you can "escape too" every once in a while when it gets too toxic? I mean, I understand the roommate thing, it's scary because you don't know if this person is going to be a pain in the ass, thus making it worth living at home. However, you could also find someone who you're super compatible with. Life's a crapshoot, what can I say?

    Have a fabulous day :D

  5. Rose 'n' Coffee

    I know how scary it can be moving out and I know how it feels to feel like you really have to move out. It's a toughy. All I can say is my experience was a good one, but I was able to afford to live on my own and have my parents close by for support. The independance is great, but it can also get lonely. You have to be ready for it.
    I hope this helps in some way.

    Love Rose.

  6. Pingback: National Sleep Awareness Week 2010 « Blue Eyed Heart

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